The last few weeks have been really trying for me, both with work stress, life stress and physically I’ve been not feeling well. And mentally maybe worse. I’ve been living on fast food and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and falling into old patterns of eating for comfort and not caring what it does to me. Why am I doing this, why am I giving in to it? I am simply trying to avoid the Big Bad Wolf that is knocking on my door in the form of a bottle of wine, Bud Light or tequila that I want so badly to consume when I am home alone, lonely, sometimes sad, sometimes confused and some times angry.
I know eating is the less harmful one of the two to chose but I hate myself for it. I crave it so much, the guzzle of a beer and feeling that instant release of tension and then soon another and another until I get that sleepy numb feeling that gently lets me cry and go to sleep. I also miss just plain old partying, having fun and getting drunk, but I’m scared that will lead to even more bad choices. I have had wine a glass or 2 but then I found myself just wanting that pass out forget the world feeling and sometimes thinking like Rip Van Winkle in the fairy tale it would be nice to sleep for years. So for now I try to avoid it, and my sleep comes in the form of nausea from a poor diet and constant stomach pain. I’d rather have the headache of a hangover. I used to cope pretty good when I drank a lot and was also productive, at least I thought I was.
So what do I do, I eat, I clean my home, I knit, I sew, I play with my dog and cat. Wondering where my life went so wrong, I’m so happy to be free of my ex and so many other things, but I still have those panicked moments of I will grow old alone, I’ll never know what it’s like to have a content happy life.
So yes for now counselling, therapy, read this book, write in your journal all help in certain ways but today my biggest temptation is wanting to write in my journal …. Today I drank alone all day until I passed out, and it was just what I needed!!! But the new me is winning and has talked me out if it with thinking it’s not worth it, don’t be that person again etc. Sometimes I think new me should just lighten up and have a beer, but she is winning today so for now I will feed her some chocolate as a reward for not letting that Wolf knocking on my door in. Knowing all along that wine or tequila is just a trip to the liquor store away.
So today I am missing my comfortably numb feeling that used to help me get through life and eating chocolate instead. So yes I’m trading one for another because giving up both would be too much for me to handle.