Comfortably Numb

The last few weeks have been really trying for me, both with work stress, life stress and physically I’ve been not feeling well. And mentally maybe worse. I’ve been living on fast food and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and falling into old patterns of eating for comfort and not caring what it does to me. Why am I doing this, why am I giving in to it? I am simply trying to avoid the Big Bad Wolf that is knocking on my door in the form of a bottle of wine, Bud Light or tequila that I want so badly to consume when I am home alone, lonely, sometimes sad, sometimes confused and some times angry.

I know eating is the less harmful one of the two to chose but I hate myself for it. I crave it so much, the guzzle of a beer and feeling that instant release of tension and then soon another and another until I get that sleepy numb feeling that gently lets me cry and go to sleep. I also miss just plain old partying, having fun and getting drunk, but I’m scared that will lead to even more bad choices. I have had wine a glass or 2 but then I found myself just wanting that pass out forget the world feeling and sometimes thinking like Rip Van Winkle in the fairy tale it would be nice to sleep for years. So for now I try to avoid it, and my sleep comes in the form of nausea from a poor diet and constant stomach pain. I’d rather have the headache of a hangover. I used to cope pretty good when I drank a lot and was also productive, at least I thought I was.

So what do I do, I eat, I clean my home, I knit, I sew, I play with my dog and cat. Wondering where my life went so wrong, I’m so happy to be free of my ex and so many other things, but I still have those panicked moments of I will grow old alone, I’ll never know what it’s like to have a content happy life.

So yes for now counselling, therapy, read this book, write in your journal all help in certain ways but today my biggest temptation is wanting to write in my journal …. Today I drank alone all day until I passed out, and it was just what I needed!!! But the new me is winning and has talked me out if it with thinking it’s not worth it, don’t be that person again etc. Sometimes I think new me should just lighten up and have a beer, but she is winning today so for now I will feed her some chocolate as a reward for not letting that Wolf knocking on my door in. Knowing all along that wine or tequila is just a trip to the liquor store away.

So today I am missing my comfortably numb feeling that used to help me get through life and eating chocolate instead. So yes I’m trading one for another because giving up both would be too much for me to handle.

ITunes and Acceptance

Here I am day 3 of this brand new year of hopes and dreams. And as I was in my car driving for 2 hours the other day I listened to music as I usually do. Music has that ability for me to help me deal with my emotions and my thoughts. It can fire me up, inspire me and at times bring me down, a few songs had to be skipped over.

This past year has been one of great change for me. Both good and bad. Starting life over mid 40’s isn’t easy, but it was a choice I made, and one I do not regret. This past year was a year of fun happy times and experiences, and sad and disappointing times also…..sometimes all happening the same day!

What did I learn from those days, several things. People are all flawed, people can hurt you without even realizing they are doing it. How I react is the key. I realize that accepting that I am not going to change any one person, change comes from within. You have to want it. I can not force people to change to suit me, all I can do is hope that the ones I let into my very guarded life, love and respect me enough to be honest with me. And also respect me enough to sit down and talk. Because I discovered avoidance of a subject brings out the worst in me.

I’m the one who always needs a question answered or at least some form of reply. I need that to quiet my mind from whatever is bothering me. People who know me well respect this and realize that I don’t sugarcoat things if I ask a question … Just answer honestly, you ask me a question I answer honestly. It’s simple really for me. I was not aware however that some people are unable to do this. I thought I was the fragile “broken” one and I’ve discovered also I am stronger than I thought I was.

So as I look at this fresh new year my goal is just to be accepting of people. Not a doormat, I’ve been down that road a time or two. But I want to accept people as they are. I have to look at it like this, in my childhood and adult life I have dealt with physical and emotional abuse, family dysfunction and tragedy. So you could say I don’t deal with the small stuff very well. I have to accept the fact that not everyone has dealt with what I have, some people have had very peaceful lives so the littlest things like a squeaky wheel on a grocery cart drives them over the edge!

I have a hard time understanding these people. I for instance as a child have slept in the car overnight because we had to get away from my father who was drunk and angry and we were afraid to be at home. So people who complain about small things I don’t understand? It could be so much worse.

So this is my goal! Accept the avoiders of a subject, the complainers, the gossipers etc. I will accept them and realize that their life has made them that way, just as my life has made me the way I am. So this year I will accept people, maybe even just let my analyzing everyone go, and just accept them. But after careful thought decide if they are worth the stress they are causing me, and then ask questions, risking the avoidance that will bother me and bring out my “words” or like that song from Frozen “Let it Go” and not overthink!

I Am More Like My Cat Than a Human

The last few weeks for me emotionally have been a struggle.  My mind jumps here and there with I want to be independent, and then I want to be alone one moment to I don’t want to be alone, it would be nice to have more people around me kind of feelings.

I was thinking about this tonight while I was petting my rescue cat. He was purring contently and then suddenly stopped, got annoyed and bit me. He then ran away looking back like yep you will never know how I truly feel.

I am like my cat, both in life and with others.  One day I purr contently smiling and coping well with work, life and relationships and then BAM!  One little wrong move or word from someone and  I’m that scared angry cat not knowing if I should just take life for what it is and enjoy the moment OR claw scratch and growl in the form of my words.

After thinking about this I realized the common factors between my cat and I.  My cat spent a year in a half in a cage at the shelter before I became his human.  Before that he had been loved and cherished by an elderly lady who went into a nursing home unable to look after him.  So yes my cat has a few issues but I know when I look at him that he is happy in my home, but I’m sure worries that he will be passed along or put back in a cage.  I will keep him until the end and not give up on him bites, scratches clawed furniture and all I want him to live out the rest of his life somewhat content!

For me I spent a lot of years in an unhappy marriage with someone who was a bit emotionally abusive and I felt like I lived in a cage….trapped.  I am working on my release.  I for a very brief time as a child felt loved and content but I became old enough to realize that this was not going to last for long and my family was dysfunctional.  And knew that at any time I’m sure they would have gladly given me away to a good home.  So when I graduated high school I ran like a wild scared animal into a marriage I wasn’t ready for.  All along purring contently for a short time and then the scratch, bite, I want to run away feeling.  This is my way of protection now it has almost become my  habit with people who are new in my life.  I desperately want to be the cute fuzzy kitten that everyone loves, but that is a far off thing.

So for now  I am  like my cat. I am happy to have my space, my domain, and even curl up and purr with contentment for a short time.  But then old thought patterns return, insecurity, doubt, trust issues and fear that I am being tamed they all kick in and out come the claws.

So all I can do is be like my cat, accept affection or friendship for what it is, try and give a warning bat of the paw so people get a heads up and continue on with my life.  Maybe someday I’ll be the cute fuzzy kitty that just loves everyone, and everyone loves them.  Or better yet a cross of both. I want to be the cute cuddly kitty, with just enough of that rescue cat attitude in me so I never forget how far I have come.